


Broken Crayons

by ChaNssi



Category: VIXX
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Ex Lovers, Explicit Language, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insecurities, M/M, Pretty cliche, misunderstanding?, not exactly a tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 10:05:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13924857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaNssi/pseuds/ChaNssi
Summary: How chipped off or broken crayons can still colour.And how humans are pretty similar in that aspect.





	Broken Crayons

**Author's Note:**

> No character has been killed off.
> 
> Yay
> 
> Progress!
> 
> Maybe I'll be able to pull off comedy sometie in the future?
> 
> Hopefully.

**_ Broken Crayons _ **

It felt as if all his career amounted to was that one dreaded moment that he had been trying his best to avoid. Everything came down to him photographing the male dancer who took everyone’s breath away with just a single glance. The dancer who could make even the most emotionally constipated person on earth feel as if they were soaring high up in the clouds. Such was the grace and reverence of “The Nation’s Golden Dancer”, Cha Hakyeon.

But his reputation preceded his presence and everyone, from young to old, knew of his unjustifiable scruples. Every single time the news headlines screamed about his audacities, people would whisper among themselves, but never loud enough for it to be heard. Because above all else, he was the man who had even been respected by the North Koreans and that was an honour not even the President enjoyed. And in the end, he had wrapped them all around his little finger.

Hongbin, however, had no such grandiose notions. He had no intentions whatsoever of even having to come into contact with the pretentious dancer of the century, let alone using his skills to beautify him more than necessary. He was seated comfortably in his studio, listening to his manager drone on and on about the implications of turning down such an offer, when all he wanted to do was to strangle the man for even suggesting it.

It was common knowledge that Lee Hongbin, a photographer who had steadily climbed the ladder of success, who was currently at the pinnacle of his respective career, would only take up projects that genuinely inspired him. He was never one to plunge into every prospect that came his way.

“Lee Hongbin, are you even listening to me?” his manager inquired with an exasperated sigh.

When he did not deem him with a response, a whoosh of air accompanied with a thud of the table caught his attention.

“What?” he asked, mildly irritated.

“Cha Hakyeon. You are taking up this offer. There is nothing you can say that will change the fact that you are doing it. There is no room for an argument,” and he slammed the door on his way out.

Hongbin tried to speak up, but it was too late. He was stuck with having to do what he absolutely despised. His hand shook as he picked up the glass of water from the table in front of him. He needed to feel more in control of the situation. He downed it in one go. As soon as the pill kicked in, he visibly relaxed.

.

.

Cha Hakyeon stood by the window of the high ceilinged room as he awaited the arrival of the reporters who usually interviewed him before a performance. As he sighted the black vans round the corner, he dusted his pants off to smoothen the non-existent creases and quickly gulped down the water set aside on the table for that very purpose. He dabbed a bit at his lips and swallowed the nervousness that always accompanied him to such events.

 _Time to get into character, Hakyeon. You can do this_ , he muttered to himself under his breath and quickly swiped up the lighter in his pocket. Igniting it, he lit the lone cigarette that was next to the glass of water and hoped the smell would permeate everywhere in time for the interview.

Just as he settled himself down into the sofa, with his legs propped up on the glass centre table, with the cigarette in his right hand propped up on one of the arm rests, he heard a knock on the door. His manager peeked in, and seeing that everything was set, he withdrew and signalled for the reporters to begin.

“That was long. I thought you guys wouldn’t even show up today. Such a waste of my time,” Hakyeon’s tone held mild irritation, as he flicked his wrist to get rid of the embers collecting at the end of his cigarette. The debris fell onto the carpeted flooring.

.

.

Hongbin walked in with a purpose. He was not interested in making eye contact with anyone as he lugged the heavy equipment bag all by himself. He did not trust others with his precious equipment. It was, after all, his life. He flashed his “Crew” pass to one of the security guards and went past him into the huge auditorium.

The auditorium was grand. It must have at least got a capacity to hold a few thousand people at once. The seats velvet, placed equally apart, with enough leg space as well as offering privacy to the audience, were plush and fluffy. The stage was large and in the center of the room. It was strategically built to be able to give all the viewers a fair chance at appreciating the performers. 

There was also a screen that would most probably display the performances live for those seated away from the stage. It was the epitome of palatial, what with the cream pillars situated in the periphery and the marble flooring with the crystalline chandeliers lined along the ceiling, illuminating the room perfectly. The velvet deep red drapes only added to the aura.

Had he no job to attend to, Hongbin felt he would have taken his time to leisurely photograph the auditorium that screamed at him for attention. Remembering what he was there for, he sighed and tried to find someone who would direct him to his work station.  He quickly found a crew person who told him where to head to and he began to set up his equipment.

Hongbin cracked his shoulders and fingers before starting to assemble the tripod stand, when –

“Hyung?” The voice sent chills down his spine. It had been a while, five years to be exact, since he heard that voice, but he would recognise it anywhere. Certain things were just never forgotten, no matter how hard he tried. He wished he had his trusty pill with him right at that moment.

“It is you. Oh My God!” the person exclaimed again as Hongbin slowly turned around to face him.

A whirlwind of memories threatened to assault him as he took in the younger’s face, some sweet, some not very and most bitter. He looked the same, save for a few years that had seemed to mature his face beyond time. He looked extremely manly, and Hongbin flinched when he noticed that he had even grown taller.

Not wanting to seem affected, Hongbin pulled out his sweetest and fakest smile, with both his dimples on display, and shone it at the man in front of him.

“It’s been a while, Sanghyuk,”

However, Sanghyuk did not seem to return the sentiment. He had no semblance of hospitality. All he seemed was genuinely curious.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” he tilted his head slightly.

Hongbin’s smile faltered at that, but he slipped it back into place. His throat was extremely dry and his nerves were haywire. He really wished he hadn’t left his bottle of pills at home. He needed to grab a hold on to reality.

“I was offered a contract to photograph him and my company basically threatened me to do it. I was told I would lose my job if I refused. So here I am,” he sighed, figuring truth was the way to go.

“Well, hyung, if you need anything, I’ll be over there,” he pointed across where they were to a door hidden behind one of the large ceiling-to-floor drapes. “All the best, hyung. You truly are a professional,” Sanghyuk smiled finally, definitely more genuine than Hongbin’s.

As he left, Hongbin held on to the tripod stand with all his might, and it shook just as hard as his hands were shaking. He hoped he wouldn’t mess it up.

.

.

“Hakyeon, are you ready? You’re on in less than ten minutes. They need you back stage,” Taekwoon called into the dressing room, knowing the dancer would be stretching his muscles before going on stage. It was a routine.

Hakyeon heard his manager call for him and he grunted a reply, as he was in the middle of a split. He heard Taekwoon walk in and he flushed when the other started to clap.

“I’m always amazed when I see you split,” Taekwoon was always awed. Hakyeon flushed at that.

“Stop embarrassing me,” he muttered as he came into a standing position. “And who told you to just come in?” he asked haughtily.

“Drop the act, there is no one around. I know you’re nervous. Which is why I’ll do this only this one time,” And Taekwoon wrapped his arms around the dancer’s shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He felt Hakyeon relax a bit and let go after a while.

Taekwoon checked his watch and signalled for him to get to where he needed to be.

Hakyeon took a deep breath in. he had done it a million times, yet every single time felt like a new experience. He had an act to put on. And when he heard his name being called out, he walked onto the blinding stage and started with a deep bow. And then he flew.

Music flowed in his veins. Dance just accompanied it. It was as simple as walking or talking to him. As long as his body would allow him to, he would never let it go. Cha Hakyeon lived to dance. Just like always, the auditorium fell silent the second he stepped on to the stage and took his position right in the middle of it. And as the music seeped in, he began to move.

All the twists and turns and leaps and jumps came as easily as breathing did. Halfway through his performance, right where the killing part was about to rightfully kill the people watching him move, his eyes fell on the camera that was trained on him and the breath whooshed out of him. And he faltered, but quickly covered it up with a bright smile.

The next sequence required him to turn his back to the audience and he felt the nerves creep back up his spine. _What the hell is he doing here?,_ he thought to himself and began to whisper the mantra of _You’re a professional, you can do it, he is not here, ignore the cameras_. He repeated it over and over again as he thanked whichever God was listening for having given him muscle memory. He had long stopped paying attention to the music and the way his body moved. He just hoped none of the inner turmoil was being shown.

There was a deafening sound in his ears and the moment he stopped, he threw one last glance at the cameraman, as if to confirm he wasn’t hallucinating and ran back into the dressing room, ignoring Taekwoon who was calling out to him.

Taekwoon found him clutching onto the dressing table, his knuckles white. He tapped on his shoulder and was bewildered to find tears streaming down his face.

“I can’t…… I… Don’t make me go back out there,” Hakyeon managed to gasp out between bouts of hysteria. Taekwoon simply held on to him while Hakyeon’s tears dampened his shirt. Hakyeon had a habit of shying away from touching another person and for him to have held on to Taekwoon unconsciously, he knew something was terribly awry.

A knock on the door distracted him from asking what was wrong and a highly agitated Sanghyuk walked in and took Hakyeon’s hands into his. Hakyeon visibly flinched at that, but did not withdraw his hands. He trusted Sanghyuk.

“Hyung, are you okay?” he whispered into Hakyeon’s hair.

Taekwoon fixed him an unimpressed glance. He had no idea what was happening, but he had a feeling Sanghyuk knew and he retreated to a corner of the room and sank down into an armchair by the door.

“Hyukkie, did you know?” When Sanghyuk did not reply, he looked up to see that he had averted his gaze as well.

He recoiled his hands immediately, as if they were burned by Sanghyuk’s. “Get out,” he muttered.

“Hyung, I couldn’t tell you. You wouldn’t perform then,” Sanghyuk looked wounded when Hakyeon looked at him like he was betrayed.

“Of course I wouldn’t, but that’s not the point. Why did you keep me in the dark when you knew? Have you forgotten what he did or have you forgiven him? You might have, but I sure haven’t,” he laughed humourlessly.

Taekwoon simply watched the exchange between the two. Sanghyuk and Hakyeon were from the same university and obviously something from the past snuck up to knock Hakyeon off his game.

“Yes, I remember. How could I forget when I was so closely involved in it? But you’re a professional and being in this field, you couldn’t have thought you would be able to avoid him forever,”

Hakyeon knew Sanghyuk was right, but at that moment all he needed was to project his anger and Sanghyuk was the only one who seemed appropriate enough. He couldn’t blame Taekwoon, the guy didn’t even know.

Hakyeon was in the middle of shaking Sanghyuk’s shoulders, screaming at him when a knock on the door distracted him. Taekwoon stepped out and came back in after a while. Hakyeon had calmed down enough by then and let Sanghyuk hold him while he felt his stupid heart rip apart freshly.

“There’s someone today’s patrons want you to meet,” Taekwoon cleared his throat. “You better clean up. We don’t want to spoil your image now, do we?”

Hakyeon nodded and took the other two’s help in cleaning up. He had another act to put up.

.

.

Hongbin had always known how good of a dancer he was, but he hadn’t expected the effect it would have on him years later. He was still lost in the magic that seemed to thicken the air after Hakyeon’s breath taking performance, when the patrons of the show came to him and told him that they wanted to introduce him to the main performer of the night. Hongbin was shocked beyond his voice and before he could refuse, he was reluctantly dragged along by them behind the stage.

As the dressing room loomed in front of him, he gulped loudly. He did not want to do this, especially not in front of other people. His hands were shaking badly and somehow the shivers travelled up his spine and had lodged themselves there. He saw Sanghyuk come out of the room and ducked behind a pillar, not wanting to be seen again. He already had too much on his plate.

As he stood outside, he wondered vaguely if the room would be full of scantily dressed girls, all fawning over Hakyeon, would the room stink of smoke and alcohol and perfume and the stagnant smell of sex. The rumors of the man’s promiscuousness were nothing short of a porn film and he shuddered at the thought of having to witness it with his own eyes.

The manager summoned them inside and he stepped in behind the patrons, a very kind couple who were the ones to have hired him, into the room and was shocked beyond belief when the room was clean and fresh and had a lingering scent of lavender candles. He had zoned out when introductions were being made was suddenly pulled back into reality when his hand was being thrust forward to meet Hakyeon’s.

“Hello, nice to meet you – ,” Hakyeon smiled at him, very professional, as if he wasn’t clutching Hongbin’s hands with crushing force, and waited for him to supply his name.

“Hongbin. Lee Hongbin,” he supplied, all the while wondering how in the world he seemed so at ease. He tried to smile back and hoped it didn’t end up a grimace. He wanted to pull his hand back immediately, but he had to remind himself he was in the midst of company. And to them, this was certainly a first meeting.

Hakyeon dropped his hand a bit too quickly and immediately took his spot on his chair and crossed his legs. _Rude_ , Hongbin thought, but didn’t comment on it.

“So, you’re a photographer. I’m sure today was an honour for you. So glad I could help you with your career,” he heard Hakyeon say, all the while picking at his nails as if they were much more interesting than holding a conversation.

Hongbin seethed. It was one thing to not care, but blatantly ignoring him was definitely not nice. Hongbin did not deem that with a reply. After all, he had to maintain his pride as well.

“Ah so you’re deaf. Someone should’ve mentioned it,” Hakyeon looked around the room, clucking his tongue a little before repeating himself loud enough for the entire floor to hear.

Hongbin’s blood boiled with anger and embarrassment. “It’s not called being deaf. It’s called not knowing who the fuck you’re talking to when you don’t hold eye contact. I wonder who taught you basic communication skills, or rather, why someone didn’t,” he was very satisfied with his comeback, except when he looked at the patrons, his face flushed.

“You’re one to talk,” came a reply from Hakyeon, his voice low as if those words were only meant for him.

“Hakyeon, play nice,” he heard his manager chide him and smirked at it.

Hakyeon sent a glare his way and looked up to meet Hongbin’s eyes.

“Alright, so all you do is click pictures of people. I wonder how difficult that could be,” he smiled a little too saccharine.

“At least I get paid for it. I don’t have to post it on social media to garner attention,” he shot back

“oh, so you follow me on social media? Sorry, I only follow people of worth,”

All Hongbin wanted to do was to bash his head in. He was usually level headed, but Hakyeon made it almost impossible for him to hold his cool.

“Cha Hakyeon, behave,” a low but stern voice made Hakyeon look at his manager with irritation. “I’m very sorry about his behaviour,” his manager apologised in his stead.

“He’s better behaved than what I imagined,” Hongbin scoffed before he could help himself. All the attention in the room snapped to him. Flushing with embarrassment, he bowed down deep to apologise.

He took his wallet out and plucked out his visiting card. Without saying another word, he simply placed it on the table closest to him and walked out, slamming the door behind him. Hongbin released a sigh of breath he hadn’t even realised he had been holding. He promised himself he would never take up another project that would even remotely involve Hakyeon. He was done with him. Has been, for about five years already.

.

.

The patrons stayed around for just a while longer after the dramatic exit of Hongbin and Hakyeon finally relaxed when the door closed behind the last of his visitors. He knew Taekwoon was definitely not approving of his behaviour, but he couldn’t care less. He was still angry at Sanghyuk, he was angry at Hongbin, heck, he was the angriest at himself. He was angry a man who left him five years ago still riled him up as much as he had.

As the barrage of emotions threatened to take over his lacrimal glands, he stood up and began to pace the room. He couldn’t let himself cry. He wouldn’t. Tears were sacred. They were meant to be shed only for those who truly cared. Not for someone like Hongbin, never for someone like him. _Selfish bastard_ , Hakyeon muttered to himself.

“Hakyeon,” Taekwoon’s voice interrupted his train of thoughts and self pity.

“Go ahead. Tell me off. I know that was rude, even for me,” He waited for the inevitable like a five year old would, when he knew he made a mistake.

But the admonishment never came. Instead he felt hands on his shoulders and he looked up to see Taekwoon just in time before he leaned down to press a light kiss to his forehead. He shivered at that. He didn’t like to be touched.

“Aren’t you going to ask?” Hakyeon inquired after a while. They had taken off towards the apartment where he lived. Taekwoon was driving.

“What about?” Taekwoon asked as he turned the corner of the street Hakyeon’s apartment complex was situated on.

“About Hongbin,” he whispered. He didn’t want to say the name out loud.

“I figured you would tell me when you were ready,” He stopped the car at the entrance.

“Look for a parking spot and come up with me,”

Taekwoon raised a brow, but did as he was told.

.

.

“Hyung, I was looking all over for you,” Sanghyuk found Hongbin just as he stepped towards his car.

Hongbin sighed. He had enough of people from the past.

“Sanghyuk, as lovely as our reunion has been, I really am tired and all I would like to do is go back and sleep,” he turned to tell the younger.

“Did you meet Hakyeon hyung?” Sanghyuk didn’t seem taken aback by the hostility in his voice.

He hesitated. “Yes,”

“What did he seem like?”

That ticked him off. “Look, if all you want to know is what I think of Hakyeon, we could sit all night at the bar and I will tell you exactly what I think over a couple of drinks,”

Never before had he regretted the lack of brain-to-mouth filter as he did right at that moment when Sanghyuk’s eyes sparkled at the suggestion and he would most definitely blame that very moment for all the misfortune that was sure to come his way.

He somehow found himself seated across a two seater in a cozy little bar on the other side of town. How a bar could be cozy, he didn’t know either. The music playing in the bar was far from irritating with loud thumps. It was classical at times, and changed to hip hop for a while. He could swear he heard a Park Hyoshin song a while back as well.

They were well into their third bottle of soju when Sanghyuk decided to pose his question again. He sighed when he realised being inebriated wasn’t going to be enough of a hindrance. He swirled the drink in his glass before taking a deep breath to answer.

“He’s exactly what I said he was back then. What can I say, it most definitely impossible to straighten a dog’s tail. Oh how fitting. If only he was a female, there would have been another term that would take the cake!”

Sanghyuk fixed him a glare before giving him a piece of his mind.

“Oh how wrong I was. If only you were willing to listen to him back then, things would have been completely different. But you know what? I’m actually glad you left. He may have been unhappy for a while, but that is definitely better than how unhappy you would have made him had you stayed,”

Hongbin had never seen Sanghyuk lose his cool and it was definitely a sight to behold.

“Of course you’d say that. After all, I’m the one calling your precious Hakyeon a female dog,”

Sanghyuk laughed humourlessly at that. “If only you opened your eyes, hyung. But like you said, you can’t expect to straighten a dog’s tail,” he threw his own lines at him before getting up and walking out of the bar.

Hongbin was left to gape at the younger’s retreating back. He desperately needed his pills.

.

.

“So, I wonder if you have noticed, but I have a problem,” Hakyeon started. Taekwoon and him were comfortably seated on the carpeted floor of his living room, two bowls of popcorn were placed between them and the television played some muted out film that neither of them was really paying attention to.

Taekwoon made a show of thinking about the question and even put up his fingers as if he was counting on them, “Which one, again?” he asked softly.

Hakyeon glared at him before grabbing a pillow off the couch and throwing it at him.

“Okay, okay, continue,” he chuckled and gestured for him to go on.

“I don’t let people touch me,” he sighed.

“I noticed,” came the reply. Taekwoon was being unnecessarily difficult.

“Taek, I’m being serious!” Hakyeon complained.

Taekwoon dusted his fingers of any butter residue and turned to face him. His face was completely neutral.

“A very long time ago, I wasn’t like that. I loved to hug people. I would constantly throw myself at people. It was my way of showing affection. But when someone you love demeans you for it, and makes it seem like there was something wrong with you, you start to doubt yourself. And once self doubt creeps in, it manifests quickly and doesn’t let you go. It morphs you into something alien, someone you wouldn’t even recognise yourself,”

He took a breath as all the memories he had become a master at hiding began to peek through the mental walls he had installed. The dam was on the verge of breaking, but he wouldn’t give up.

“Hongbin, well he was something extremely good for my ego, but he was equal parts bad. I had been under the delusion that what we had was extremely rare, something only true soul mates would experience and I still do not know where everything began to go wrong. But when he left, he did not just leave a gaping hole in my chest, he also took a part of me that no one has seen for five whole years now,”

The tears started to flow freely down his cheeks, no restriction whatsoever. He hated himself for crying, but he couldn’t help it.

“I… I miss my old self. Taek, I miss being happy. Do I not deserve happiness? Why does it still hurt? Why can’t I move on,” He whispered through tears.

“Can I?” Taekwoon asked for permission to help him, gesturing to the tissues he held in hand. Hakyeon nodded and let him wipe away his tears.

“Do you want to tell me from the start?”

.

.

Hongbin woke up to the sunlight pouring in through his curtains, hitting him directly in the eyes. He got off the bed in hopes of closing them properly, but stumbled over his own feet. He looked towards the clock on the wall. It read somewhere past ten. That was hour past when he was expected at work. But he couldn’t care less as he ambled off towards the bathroom.

Making his way into his immaculately clean bathroom, he clambered his way through to the cabinet behind the mirror and pulled it open. Filling a glass with water, he plucked two tiny white pills from a non-descript vial and popped them in, washing them down with the water. As his vision started to clear, he continued on with his routine.

Freshly showered and in new clothes, he looked for his phone, more a force of habit than wanting to do so. He already knew what would be awaiting him and he was not interested in the least to check all the unnecessary messages his manager would have undoubtedly sent him.

_Manager-nim_

Hongbin, where are you? It’s almost 9:30

**                                                                                                                          9:29 **

Hongbin?

**                                                                                                                           9:45 **

LEE HONGBIN??

**                                                                                                                           9:50 **

It’s the third day you’re missing work.

**                                                                                                                           10:00 **

HONGBIN. I’M ON MY WAY.

**                                                                                                                            10:20 **

He sighed at the last message but didn’t bother replying. He walked over to his table where his laptop lay, and put it out of sleep, only to immediately regret doing it.

The screen lit up to show unedited pictures he had taken of Hakyeon. He grumbled to himself about how irritating it was to have to edit and send the pictures to whoever was in charge. He had no interest in spending any more time than necessary in looking at them. But he had to admit, he had done an exceptional job.

He had been trying to avoid having to work on Hakyeon’s pictures the past few days by spending all his time distracting himself by completing work that was probably due in a few weeks’ time. But when everything else was exhausted, and there was nothing else he could do instead, he picked up a bottle of soju and began to try to work on them before passing out, possibly due to a bit too much alcohol.

Finding three bottles on the table next to the laptop that morning, he flinched before picking them up to discard them. _I shouldn’t have done that_ , he thought. It had, after all, taken him countless AA meetings to get a control over his alcoholism, an addiction that wouldn’t have started had it not been for his mortal enemy.

“CHA HAKYEON. You are the reason for every goddamn thing going wrong in my life! Couldn’t you have left me alone? Why did you suddenly have to come back in? I was doing fine! I hate you so goddamn much. I HATE YOU,”

“So you’re alive,” came a voice from behind him and he jumped.

His manager, Wonshik was standing in the doorway, jacket draped over one arm and the other resting on the frame of the door. He had an eyebrow raised, and looked pissed beyond words. Wonshik took a hold of his ear and dragged him to the couch.

“Now, remind me why I shouldn’t just kill you for endangering not only your job, but mine as well?” Wonshik asked, as he deposited Hongbin on the couch and went to tower over him. He needed to look intimidating, not that it was difficult, what with his features being sharp.

“You don’t know anything. Who asked you to come here?” Hongbin glared at his manager. He may have been his friend more than his manager, but at that moment, all he wanted to do was to blame him for all his troubles. “It’s all your fault anyway. Why did you have to make me go through with that stupid ‘Photograph the Golden Boy’ bullshit?”

“What do you have against Cha Hakyeon? I know he’s not the easiest person to work with, but I don’t understand what he did to you that you seem to hate it much more on a personal level?” Wonshik chose to ignore the blame that was being thrown his way. And he was genuinely curious.

“If I’m going to have this conversation with you, let me at least fetch my pills. I can already feel a headache coming through,” he made a move to get off the couch. Taking two pills was just not enough anymore. He may need to increase it to three or even four. It hadn’t even been that long since he graduated from one to two.

Wonshik narrowed his eyes at him and did not budge.

“Have you been going to the doctor recently? What are these pills for?”

Hongbin averted his eyes. His mouth had already gone dry and his hands were beginning to tremble. Not good.

“Hongbin?”

No answer.

“Lee Hongbin, you better open your mouth right this second and tell me what the hell is going on!” Wonshik placed his hands on Hongbin’s shoulders and shook him in hopes of getting something, anything out of his mouth. He felt the tremors underneath the skin and his eyes lit up as the realisation hit him in the gut. Hongbin’s eyes were bloodshot. He couldn’t tell which one of them was shaking more.

.

.

“See? I told you it wasn’t a big deal. I just need to ice it a bit and it’ll get better,” Hakyeon whined to Taekwoon as the other helped him get a hold of the crutches leaning on the wall opposite the door of the orthopedician.

“Yes I can very clearly see. It’s only a tiny little fracture that would obviously get better with ice,” he mused.

Hakyeon, as stupid as ever, coped with his emotions in the only way he knew how to. He danced till he couldn’t move a muscle. And this time, he went a little too far. He danced till he tripped on his own feet and injured himself. Albeit it was only a hairline, the doctor told him he shouldn’t step foot into his studio for the next couple of weeks in the least, but preferably, for four weeks.

“How can I not dance for four weeks, Taek?” He wanted to cry. The prospect of not moving was in itself torturous, but not dancing? He didn’t even want to think of what would happen to him. “I will wither away,”

Taekwoon tried his best to not say “I told you so” and instead shook his head, keeping his mouth shut. They were walking out of the corridor towards the exit of the hospital. Well, Taekwoon was walking and Hakyeon was – he was clambering? Dragging himself?

“Taekwooon, say something. Make me feel better,” Hakyeon pouted.

“Well, it was your own fault,” Taekwoon never claimed to be the most empathetic person earth.

“It’s like you don’t care about me anymore. And I even told you my whole life story,” he whined again.

“And now I’m wondering how Hongbin even fell for your whiny little ass,” Taekwoon regretted it the second it slipped out of his mouth and he immediately looked up to find Hakyeon’s eyes guiltily, only instead of finding Hakyeon’s, he found someone else’s.

“What did you just say?”

“Wonshik?” Saying Taekwoon was shocked would be an understatement.

“Repeat what you just said, Taekwoon,”

Hakyeon simply looked between the stranger and his manager and wondered what the hell was happening. It looked like a stare down.

“It’s none of your business, you. Leave,” Hakyeon didn’t like being left unacknowledged.

“Taekwoon, you said something about Hongbin, and being his manager, I would very much like to know,”

Hakyeon looked taken aback at that piece of information. He looked around hastily, looking for any trace of the Voldemort of his existence. Taekwoon was immediately by his side. He wasn’t touching him yet, but he was most definitely standing protectively beside him.

“It was a slip of a tongue. It’s not my place to tell you anything,” he said to Wonshik before turning to Hakyeon, “I’m so sorry. It was insensitive of me. I will never bring it up again,” and he began to lead him away from the stranger.

Wonshik’s hand was suddenly on Hakyeon’s arm, grabbing him, and he immediately stumbled back. His face paled, all the blood draining out of him because of the contact. He felt nauseous. Wonshik withdrew his hands, but spoke to him directly,

“I’m sorry, but I am in desperate need of knowing why the hell Hongbin is on drugs and if you can tell me anything, however insignificant you may think that information may be, it’ll be of extreme help. Please,” Wonshik bowed a full ninety degree before straightening up and looking only at him.

Hakyeon stood frozen at the turn of events. _Drugs. Hongbin was on drugs_. His mouth fell open. As if somehow possible, his heart had shattered further. He may have a hatred for Hongbin, but he never would’ve expected or wanted him to have to deal with addiction.

“Hakyeon, you don’t have to say anything, I’ll take care of it. Let’s go,” Taekwoon pulled on his shirt, but he was rooted to the spot. Taekwoon glared at Wonshik.

“What do you want to know?” Hakyeon ignored Taekwoon. His voice shook as he exchanged phone numbers and arranged for a meeting where he no one would eavesdrop. Taekwoon would undoubtedly accompany him. He knew that. And somehow he found himself wanting answers to some questions as well.

.

.

Hongbin was forced to lie down on the white hospital bed. His fore arm had already been punctured multiple times in hopes of finding an artery that wasn’t as damaged as the rest. A catheter was placed securely with an intravenous drip attached that was constantly supplying his blood with the necessary drugs to keep his tremor at bay.

It was his second day at the hospital and he was still mightily pissed at Wonshik. More importantly, he was pissed at himself for the stupid slip of his tongue. He cursed himself, not for the first time, about his lack of brain-to-mouth filter. His slip ups seemed to happen at the worst times possible, at times when there would be no taking them back.

He also had no idea what bullshit Wonshik fed his company about his disappearance. He missed the time when he was working freelance. He could do as he pleased, when he pleased. But as he grew steadily, becoming known among the photographers, his company made him an offer he couldn’t pass up on.

He propped himself up on his good arm, the one that hadn’t been littered with puncture holes, and picked up the book he was reading. Lost in the words, he hadn’t noticed Wonshik enter his ward, not that he would’ve paid attention to the traitor any which way.

“I met somewhere downstairs,” Wonshik quietly supplied. He knew Hongbin wasn’t in any mood to talk to him, but he needed answers.

As expected, Hongbin did not bother replying. Wonshik sighed.

“And I heard something interesting about you,”

This time there was a _hmm._ At least that meant he was listening, right? But he didn’t know how to continue. Should he be direct about it? Should he even mention Hakyeon’s name? He sighed, racking his brains for some sort of an answer.

“I’m still waiting, Wonshik. I don’t have a lot of time,” Hongbin voiced, irritated.

“Were you and Hakyeon lovers?” he blurted out.

Hongbin dropped the book he was holding in his hands. His mouth open, he gaped at Wonshik.

“What…Where…What?” he couldn’t even form a proper sentence.

“Seeing as you can’t answer that straight, I’m going to assume you were,” Wonshik continued, ignoring the stupid way Hongbin was gaping at him. “And I think you need to resolve whatever it is between you and him so we can help you get over this addiction of yours,” he gestured vaguely to the catheters and needles poking at Hongbin’s arms.

“Not interested,” Hongbin narrowed his eyes.

“And I don’t care about what you are or are not interested in. It has become quite clear you cannot be left to your own devices,” Wonshik glared back.

“You don’t understand. I can’t meet him. He’s an asshole. He’s a jerk who is only ever interested in getting others to sleep with him. He’s a fucker who never cared about anything but his insatiable needs. I was not always this insensitive bastard,” Hongbin was agitated. His tremors were beginning to make a comeback. His breathing became shallow and he felt his airway constrict.

Wonshik quickly turned a few knobs and let the IV drug flow in a bit more than it already was, increasing the dosage slightly. He made Hongbin take a few deep breaths to let him calm down.

“And I think you’re wrong. I met him, and sure he may be a little prideful, but he didn’t come off as what you are implying,”

Hongbin smiled ruefully at that, “And that is exactly where his charm lies. You don’t expect it and you think he loves you, only for him to betray you with a common friend,”

Of course people wouldn’t believe him. Of course even when the media claimed Cha Hakyeon was a player, people still chose to ignore it. Of course, even when girls and guys alike claimed they were played with, people branded them liars, or just someone who was trying to spoil the almighty Cha Hakyeon’s reputation.

.

.

Hakyeon and Wonshik managed to arrange a meeting. Wonshik suggested he knew a non-descript place that would serve as the perfect meeting place, one where no one would eavesdrop and Hakyeon readily agreed. He didn’t need people listening in on their conversation. Taekwoon, however, was seemingly uninterested in the whole ordeal. He made sure Hakyeon knew just how against he was this meeting, but he still tagged along on the day.

Hakyeon and Taekwoon were early, as always. They chose to sit in an enclosed booth. Hakyeon had managed to make it inside without so much as a glance from the people around. He was thankful for that. He wasn’t a fan of being in the limelight of attention, even when his job so required it. As a result, he created a little persona for himself, one with a rude attitude and one no one would mess with. He made a reputation for himself as a player, a heart breaker. It made it all easier for him when he thought of it as a character that he was to play and nothing more.

He was still lost in his thoughts when Taekwoon tapped on his shoulder to gesture to Wonshik ambling in. He got up to greet Wonshik, bowing slightly, when he froze in an awkward half bow. Hakyeon’s eyes dilated and his nostrils flared when he noticed someone else behind Wonshik. He felt betrayed. He made to leave, grabbing his crutches, without so much as acknowledging the others’ presence but unfortunately, he was on the side close to the wall and Taekwoon wrapped his fingers around his wrist to stop him.

“Move, Taekwoon”

“Sit, Hakyeon,” came the calm reply.

“I thought you were against this meeting?” Hakyeon raised his eyebrow.

“But it just got interesting,” Taekwoon quirked a lip.

“Fuck you,” he had never felt as betrayed as he did right at that moment.

Hakyeon heard a laugh. He turned to glare at Hongbin for laughing at him when he heard him say to Wonshik, “See? He’s always so ready to fuck,”

Wonshik looked apologetic, “I’m sorry about him. I told him to behave, but apparently he doesn’t know what that means,”

“Why is he here?” Hakyeon seethed. He really did not want to have a conversation with him around.

“I brought him along because it seems to us that both of you are under some sort of a misunderstanding” Wonshik supplied.

Hakyeon narrowed his eyes. “Us?” he asked, voice dangerously low. He had a pretty good idea what was happening but he needed some sort of a confirmation.

“Us, Hakyeon” it was Taekwoon who replied. Hakyeon wrenched his wrist out of his hold and stepped back, his other hand wrapping its fingers where Taekwoon had held him, holding it across his chest. He backed away to the wall, hoping it would open up and swallow him up.

Hakyeon had never regretted anything, he hadn’t even regretted his relationship with Hongbin, but at that moment all he could think of was how much he regretted telling Taekwoon about it. He never in his wildest dreams thought the other would betray him in the worst possible way. Tears threatened to fall but he composed himself by taking a deep breath and took a huge gulp of water from the glass placed on the table. He was drifting away, his mind was getting engulfed with darkness.

“Hakyeon,” Taekwoon tried to snap his attention back. But he knew enough not to touch him. That would just end up breaking Hakyeon.

When he saw Wonshik try to reach out to Hakyeon, he swatted it away, glaring. “Don’t touch him. He won’t be able to take it,”

Wonshik looked at him, confused, “What do you mean? He looks like he’s hyperventilating. He needs help,”

“Yes he does, but touching him will only push him further into the abyss,” Taekwoon tried to explain but he wasn’t sure he was getting through.

“What are you saying? He’s the clingiest person I know. He thrives on touches,” Hongbin was confused.

“He was,” Taekwoon quietly corrected him. Of course he didn’t know. That was the entire point of this meeting he secretly arranged with Wonshik. Hakyeon had been under the impression Taekwoon was not interested, but it had all been a plan all along.

When Taekwoon contacted Wonshik about cancelling whatever plans he had with Hakyeon, he found out Hongbin shared a few misconceptions about Hakyeon, the same way Hakyeon misunderstood Hongbin. And so they figured, the two of them needed to work out their differences to at least move on. Taekwoon wondered if he made a mistake, if maybe it was too early. But it had been five years and they really needed to get a grip on themselves.

He picked up the glass of water in front of him and sprinkled some water on Hakyeon’s face. Hakyeon blinked, rather surprised at the sudden intrusion and looked around. Wonshik and Hongbin had taken to sitting on the couch opposite them and Taekwoon was still on his side.

When Taekwoon made a move to get tissues to wipe off the water on him, he shrieked “Don’t touch me!”

Taekwoon held his hands up, “Hey! I’m only trying to wipe away the water” he simply handed the tissues to him.

Hongbin watched the exchange with a frown etched on his forehead while Wonshik began to understand bit by bit of what might be going on in Hakyeon’s mind.

“Hakyeon,” Wonshik muttered tentatively.

Hakyeon’s eyes snapped to his. He glared.

“I’m sorry, but I think you and Hongbin really do need to talk it out. It’s alright if you hate me and Taekwoon for doing this, but it might help with – ,” he didn’t know how to continue and so he gestured at the two seated in front of him.

“What he’s trying to say is it might help with your issues,” Taekwoon supplied.

Hakyeon shifted his glare to him. “You’re one to talk,” he was explicitly angry at him.

“Okay, first of all, can you please not talk about me like I’m not here right now? And I don’t want to talk to Hakyeon either,” Hongbin mumbled and looked at Wonshik, “I need my medicine. I can’t hold on any longer. The situation is getting on my nerves,”

Wonshik looked defeated. He sighed before reaching into his back pocket and pulling out medication that would work as a substitute for the IV drugs for the time they were out. Before he could hand it over, Hakyeon grabbed the bottle to read the label on it.

“Do you… did you….Are you out of your mind?” Hakyeon was visibly shook as he realised Wonshik hadn’t been lying to him about Hongbin being on drugs.

“Don’t act like you care,” Hongbin scoffed. “You didn’t care even five years ago. Why the sudden interest?”

“What the hell do you mean? Of course I cared. Can’t you see it’s your fault I turned out the way I am right now?”

“Oh please. You’re just the same as always. Seeking attention all the goddamn time. If you so cared about me, you wouldn’t have gone off after Sanghyuk back then. You would’ve listened to me about how he was behind you. But no! He was your friend, and you had to go to him that night, cutting our date short. How many times had I told you, asked you, begged you, not to cling on to other people? That you might give them the wrong ideas?”

“Sanghyuk was sick that night! How can you be this selfish?” Hakyeon cried.

Both Hongbin and Hakyeon were not in a good mental state, their minds drifting away to that one fateful night, that one event that turned their lives upside down.

“All Sanghyuk wanted was you! He liked you, Hakyeon. He probably still does. I don’t understand why you still can’t see it!” Hongbin was equally frustrated. He knew they were both shouting in the restaurant but he couldn’t care less.

It was like Hakyeon had never in his wildest dreams thought it was possible for Sanghyuk to have liked him.

“No,” he whispered in denial.

“What the hell do you mean by no? Do you want me point out all the obvious facts? Even Jaehwan knew,”

Hakyeon’s mind was working, turning gears back, trying to see what the hell he had apparently done so wrong for Hongbin to have hated him that much.

And then it dawned on him.

“You saw it, didn’t you?” he asked, horror seeping into every pore of his body. He didn’t want to utter the next phrase. He couldn’t.

Hongbin simply stared at him, an eyebrow raised in question.

“You saw Sanghyuk kiss me that night,” He had stopped himself from acknowledging that piece of information for so long, he had almost forgotten about it. But of course, Hongbin making a re-entry into his life was not exactly in his immediate plans either.

“You don’t say,” Hongbin glared.

“But I didn’t kiss him back. My heart was with you. And he was sick and he had medicine and I thought he was acting under the influence of pain medication and I never forgave myself for it, but I didn’t want to ask Sanghyuk about it – ,” he couldn’t continue. But he forced himself to.

“But I hoped to forget it. I didn’t know whether or not to apologise to you when I tried to ignore the fact that it even happened. But then you called me a….,” he choked. That one word was the cause of his inability to touch other people. It affected his mental status so much that he had retracted into himself, living and breathing dance. It became his only source of happiness.

“A whore,” Hongbin finished his sentence for him. He was starting to realise just how naïve Hakyeon was. And he was also starting to see where this was all leading to. He wasn’t sure he was ready to admit it yet, but he could very well see how that might have affected Hakyeon. He was, after all, the most sensitive person Hongbin had ever met.

Hakyeon was openly crying by then. He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down freely. It was a miracle he still had any fight left in him after all these years, he figured he must have run out of tears by then. He made to wipe his tears away. He didn’t want to seem weak.

“And you just left. You didn’t give me any sort of an explanation. You just disappeared as quickly as you entered my life. And it broke me Hongbin. I couldn’t deal. I thought if I were to actually become a whore maybe I wouldn’t care anymore. I thought it would make me rest easy at night. Hence the reputation. But I couldn’t follow through. I couldn’t even bring myself to touch another person, let alone fuck them,”

“And I became an asshole. I dealt with it in the worst possible way. I took to alcoholism and was in a bad place till Jaehwan made me go to AA meetings. There I got over it, but I may have gotten into the wrong company and ended up being addicted to cannabis. Yes, not the best decision but I lived and now Wonshik has found out, he will do anything and everything he can to help me get over it,” Hongbin had no idea what came over him, but it was out now. All out in the open.

“I’m so sorry, Binnie,” Hakyeon whispered between tears. “I’m the one at fault and I kept blaming you for it all,”

Binnie. He hadn’t heard that particular endearment in so long, his heart rate picked up. He was surprised just how much effect Hakyeon still had on him. He smiled ruefully.

“It’s not entirely your fault. I should’ve maybe stayed back to at least listen to you. I didn’t. It was equally my fault. I’m sorry too,”

And then they were stumped. _What now_ , was the question at the tips of both of their tongues. Did they forgive each other? Maybe not. It wasn’t that simple. Did they hate each other? Again, maybe not. Was this the closure they needed? They weren’t sure either, because as nice as it felt to have cleared up the misunderstanding, it didn’t feel relieving yet.

They looked at each other, uncomfortable and silent.

“So,” Hongbin muttered. He had no idea what to say or do in that situation. It was not easy to put aside five years’ worth of differences with one conversation. But it also wasn’t easy to let go of feelings that they had as much time to get over but couldn’t. The love that turned toxic was still some kind of love, right?

Hakyeon laughed, awkward. “I don’t know anymore,” he whispered back. He fiddled with his hands in his lap.

“I spoke to Sanghyuk the other day,”

Hakyeon was surprised. “You did?” he frowned.

“Yes. He still likes you,” Hongbin had no idea what made him say it.

“Not that again,” Hakyeon whined. Sanghyuk was and will always be his closest friend. But that was all he ever was. A friend.

“No, listen to me. He still likes you, but I think he likes you enough to wish for your happiness over his own. He got angry at me for not having been willing to listen to you, and for everything else,” Hongbin made a crude hand gesture.

Hakyeon had to admit Sanghyuk did do everything he could’ve possibly done even back then to make it alright. He had seen how much the whole ordeal had broken Hakyeon and he was there with him all through it, supporting his every need. He never once complained, never once made a move. To think he was oblivious to Sanghyuk’s feelings for him, it broke his heart.

“I’m such an idiot. I broke his heart, I broke your heart, heck I even broke my own heart. And then I looked for others to blame it on,” He buried his face in his hands. He wanted to bash his own head open.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and reflexively flinched, but looked up to find Hongbin looking at him uncertainly.

“Putting the blame on yourself is not going to help after all this time, is it?” Hongbin didn’t meet his eyes.

“So what do you suggest I do?”

“I don’t know. I’m not entirely sure. But hey, maybe we can try working on our problems together? I mean, not _together_ together, but since we kinds did this to each other, maybe we’d be able to help each other out?”

Hakyeon gave a small smile. “Maybe,”

Maybe they really would be able to help each other out.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah okay, So I'm absolutely not satidfied with this piece whatsoever.
> 
> But I'm still posting it, just cause.
> 
> It's just not what I wanted and expected, but I don't have the heart to scrap off 9k words.
> 
> So, maybe i'll delete it sometime later in the future when I feel like it's such a disgrace to the fandom :)
> 
> But I hope I didn't waste you guys' time!


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